Ola.

So I suppose this is what she must have been feeling like last year. Why she didn't go to the "appropriate channels" is what I don't understand. Oh well, we're all different and I (reluctantly, but nonetheless) accept that. Whatever, you're messed up and that's a fact. Karma's a bitch, bitch.

I realized very recently that being in Crescent for two years is extremely different from if I had been there for four years. So many things changed within the two years that my friends there had together. Old nemeses became friends, and friends became, well they fell out. My, I don't know I could say "inability" to keep in touch with them just made me lose friends that I used to have. And for a while I didn't realize, I was quite happy in my new surroundings. Not that I'm not happy now, but it's just when it's all almost over and I'm looking back on hindsight, and all the things that have happened. Where the very idea of what constitutes a "friend" is called into question, I realize what (and whom, or whoms) I've lost.

Anyways somehow, this year so many people whom I haven't spoken to in years literally, somehow made some form of contact again. Ah, the wonders of modern technology. lol. That made me realize that I could do something and I do want to do the same to others as well, I just hope it's not too late.

Oh no life's really shitty at the moment.

I hate all this mugging):

Okay I'm going to cut the crap.

Why does it STILL bother me?

Arrgggghhhh. I'm so mad at myself.

I'm breaking again. But I need to be reasonable, and logical, and rational not emotional. Because that gets me no where. Oh dear god, I wish this weren't so difficult. Get out of my face will you? Because I don't want to be the losery girl who keeps crying because of and whining on and on about the same old thing.

I cannot believe how things have gone full circle in just a year, or two perhaps.

Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I can get through these hectic, crowded days just fine.

Everything's been turned on it's head. Just goes to show that you can't really expect things to stay the same forever, no matter how idyllic it may seem. Circumstances (sometimes, you're just hindered by things you don't really have much control over) change, priorities (sometimes you have no choice but to do what you have to) change and most unfortunately (fortunately?) people change too. So I guess, you stop for a while, figure out what it is that's got you in such a hot fuss and then make the best out of what you've got. Sounds simple enough, but then again we're not robots. Emotions and feelings have this annoying habit of getting in the way, so do a whole lot of other things you never expected and didn't really want. But then while memories are lovely and having things go exactly the way you want them to is even lovelier, if they only serve to hurt even more then there's no point in remembering them is there? And then I guess, if we could plan exactly each day and have it go the way we wanted it to go, then would we still feel the same pleasure we feel when things do go right? I wonder if that makes it worth it for all the days things don't go right. And then, priorities. You know what to do, but then how can/do you do it? A million and one intentions, ideals and aspirations you set out with and more often than not they get dashed. But I suppose you keep trying because the hit zone is somewhere inside the no-hit zone.

I'm still learning, and hindsight is a good teacher albeit a harsh one, but I just wish I had all the answers before.

I have officially turned into a paranoid psycho bitch. I need to occupy my mind. These econs notes aren't reallllyyyyy helping.

Wheeeeeee. Vietnam was a blast(: I'm so glad that everything went just as planned, or even better. Personally, it made all the slogging I had to do over the year very worthwhile. In addition to it being fun, this trip was a trip of many firsts :D




Oh Yes. ^^

 Today was the first time I came home in the afternoon after a superrrrrr long time. Meaning I actually had time to loll about and not do anything. It was great. But THEN a thought struck me and I asked myself how come I had nothing to do? Then I realized that I should probably have gone to train. I'm not sure why, but I seem to have just lost the spark to train. It sucks. It really really does. I WANT to do better. I WANT to be a better shooter. Just not sure if if I've the drive or the determination to see that true. And that's just complete bollocks. I think it's just me being a lazy sod. Oh man. Gah. I don't know what to do. 

Oh great. Blogging used to leave me filling LIGHTENED, now I just feel sianzified. Today was so bad. I thought it was anyways. Even if you didn't. It's like I'm screwing up all the relationships I have with everyone. Screwed up mood swings and a loudmouth don't really make a good pairing.

But one thing I just CANNOT get over is you and what you're doing. YET I can't say anything about it. Not much to be done either. Goodness. This sucks.

 Gee. I distinctly recall you telling me to bugger off and make some friends of my own. Well I did bitch. Maybe it's time you did that too. What say you?